WITH half of all marriages ending in divorce, one expert is recommending an unlikely way for couples to get their spark back – take a lover.
The “monogamish” movement encourages partners to have sexual experiences with other people — and it is fast becoming a trend among the younger generation.
US sex and relationship expert Doctor Tara Suwinyattichaiporn says: “This can be the answer to the divorce epidemic.
“People think monogamy is sacred. But is it really, when so many people break that promise?
“Instead of making it a morally superior thing, why don’t we become more logical and talk about what is missing after people have been married for ten years?
“Asking your partner how their day was is boring.
“Showing them a photo of someone else and asking, ‘Would you f*** them?’ is a lot more exciting.”
Dr Tara, who has joined the current series of E4’s Celebs Go Dating as a mentor alongside show regulars Anna Williamson and Paul Brunson, practises monogamish with her husband and says it suits them perfectly.
The rules state a person is emotionally and romantically committed to their partner but is allowed to explore sexually with others, based on a pre-arranged agreement.
Dr Tara adds: “There has been a surge in couples doing this.
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‘This is the opposite of cheating. It’s open’
“During a meeting in London, I got to know a lot of high-profile people who are involved in the scene there.
“You never know, you could meet celebrities, politicians, your doctor. It’s all like-minded, sex-positive people.
“In ten years, I guarantee those who aren’t into this now will be.”
Dr Tara says a huge number of couples have come to her for advice on being monogamish.
And keen to help Sun readers, she advises that no one should be afraid of learning more about the subject before approaching their partner.
She says: “I call this phase going from a relationship to a relation-s**t.
“If you and your partner have become more like friends, there is no passion. Why not try something different?
“I think this is something a lot of people want but they don’t know how to communicate it.
“This is not cheating. This is the opposite of cheating.
“Cheating is characterised by secrecy but this is upfront and open.
“You communicate about what is OK and what is not OK. Trust and respect is needed.”
For anyone considering the lifestyle, Dr Tara encourages couples to do their research before diving in.
She explains: “If all you have read is about wild things and swingers breaking up marriages, you need to have an open mind.
“Take this slowly, and do a lot of reading about it so you are less scared.
“If you feel educated about it then you can begin to educate your partner.”
And for anyone who thinks it’s just blokes who would be up for extramarital sex, Dr Tara claims she gets an equal number of men and women asking her about the arrangement.
She says: “You need to say, ‘What do you think about this?’ Do not say, ‘I want’.
“Have a conversation in a non-sexual context.
“So if you just had sex or you were about to have sex and start talking about monogamish, your partner will link it to themselves and think they’re not good enough.
“You have to talk about it sensitively, maybe when you’re on a walk or grabbing a coffee or having dinner.”
Couples should only take the next step if both parties are fully on board and keen to explore future options, Dr Tara explains.
But she warns: “If your relationship is s**t from the beginning, no amount of sex will fix it.
“Almost all the people I have met who want to explore monogamish have a healthy, respectful and trustful relationship with their partner.”
And those who are ready should proceed with caution.
Dr Tara advises: “Google ‘monogamish’ or ‘open sexual communities’.
“But make sure the resources are credible and reputable.
“One app for sex-positive people is Feeld.
“It holds a lot of educational events. I also recommend Pure.
“These are two apps where couples can meet a third person or another couple.
“You want to meet intellectual, sexual people.
“Going to a sex club is a great idea but there is a stigma around them.
“Most people don’t have sex there — it’s just pretty and erotic.
“It is not a big orgy. They are just sexy clubs.
“You go along, chat with other people and meet other people.”
She adds: “There is always consent.
“The people with the best consent communication are sexual people — they can navigate this kind of environment.
“And when you first start out, take it very slowly.
“When you start talking to a third person or another couple, you need to communicate up front that you are new on the scene and open to exploring.”
For monogamish to work, couples have to detach emotions from sex and keep that feeling for their primary partner.
Without this, jealousy can rear its ugly head and blow the relationship apart.
Dr Tara explains: “To mitigate jealousy — and I’ve worked on this with multiple couples — you need to detach the sex.
‘My husband and I play with others’
“One of the best ways to do this is with a sex worker.
“Amsterdam is a place I advise couples to go to.
“I help people dip their toes into this environment.
“It is very clean and upfront.
“Having a threesome with a sex worker helps you realise it is recreational and fun — it is not an emotionally bonding experience.
“When I say it out loud it sounds crazy but I have done it and a lot of people have done it — and it works.”
Communication is key, stresses Dr Tara, who says both people in the couple have to be happy with the rules and boundaries they set.
She says: “For myself and my husband, monogamish feels safe because we don’t date other people.
“We play with others on the basis we have agreed upon.
“I find it empowering that I allow my husband to get oral sex from someone.
“For me, it’s very much, ‘Wow, people are attracted to him.
“He is such a catch and he is with me’.
“And I decide whether or not he can play with someone else.
“Couples in traditional marriage have never had these conversations and it becomes a bonding activity to even talk about it.
“Recently we decided not to have sex with other people for now as we are trying to start a family.
“But just because we’re not active at the moment, we are still on apps and talking about it.”
The movement, which has recently gone viral on TikTok, is all about evolving, Dr Tara believes, and couples should be prepared to keep moving to stay in sync with each other.
She says: “Monogamish is a traditional marriage with a twist.
“You have to be highly communicative to make this work and you both have to want this 100 per cent.
“The most important thing is to keep your primary partner in mind.
“They are the most important person in this process.”
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Dr Tara adds: “You should never ignore, neglect or choose not to communicate with them.
“They must always come first.”
DOs
- GO abroad. Dr Tara says: “Going abroad to do it is a lot more freeing. London has a vibrant sex positive scene, the same in Amsterdam and in Jamaica.
“Even just heading to a different city can be freeing and very fun. And you’ll never see them again.” - DOCTOR Tara recommends looking up a “sexological bodyworker” near you.
She reveals: “Sexological bodywork is a great way to start trying something sexual and therapeutic with a professional. I could go and watch my husband or he could go and watch me. That is very safe to do, too.” - KEEP talking and make sure you partner knows all your red flags.
According to Dr Tara: “Communication is key. So for example, if my husband and I want to go to a swingers’ party in London, before we go, we would ask each other, ‘What are your red flags?’
“Kissing is one of them as we feel it’s emotional, but for other couples it’s not.
“And before we touch others we would ask each other for permission.”
DON’Ts
- DON’T see the same person twice. Dr Tara warns: “It is all about communication but I would recommend not double-dipping as a good rule for beginners.”
- NO close pals. “A rule I have with my husband is not sleeping with close friends,” Tara says.
“If you play with close friends and they want to play again and you don’t, it could ruin your friendship. Never do it with close friends.” - MAKE sure you are safe, and only use reputable apps and websites.
Tara says: “Doing research and taking your time is key.
“When you’re Googling monogamish or open sexual communities, evaluate whether they are credible and reputable.
“You are looking to meet intellectual, sexual people.”
‘IT'S NO REMEDY’
SOME couples can make monogamish partnerships work, writes Sun Agony Aunt Sally Land.
But they must be secure emotionally, immune to jealousy and excellent communicators – which most are not.
Sex with others might distract couples from their misery in the short term, but if you can’t communicate well, your marriage is doomed anyway.
It’s impossible for most people to entirely separate sex from emotion as Dr Tara advises – and this arrangement is not the answer to our high divorce rate.
I’d recommend spicing up your sex life in other ways.
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